Down down deeper and down! #215800
I loved Status Quo but I don’t think I very often thought about the words I was singing along to. Often we don’t, especially if it’s an upbeat tune … we’re more likely to listen and remember words to love songs, or sad songs as we’re drawn to them to help find meaning in our own worlds. When we’re happy and upbeat we tend not to look inside, or even outside, for meaning but just accept the feelings of fun, peace, happiness – however you like to feel.
This last week, at the start of the 215800 challenge, I began to have old issues come up to the surface – was this the yoga, the meditation or was it just a repeat pattern? A seven year old pattern I thought I’d dealt with and put to bed to be precise. Or was this the time to go even deeper?
None of the changes and doors which I’ve shut this year have been about my family life. To date they’ve addressed – career, self belief, finances, training, knowledge, health, friends and trust – all needing a depth charger. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that family would be added into the mix at some point.
After 4 days of handling the first issue, insult was added to injury – or perhaps more likely, because I didn’t handle the first blip well, I was given an even bigger issue on top of the first in the same context. It was only when this happened that I began to realise that it wasn’t a repeat pattern, it was a depth charged door shutting exercise.
Going Down
How did it go so wrong? After all, I’m an experienced and able therapist and tend to my own needs on a very regular basis. I’m also a human being with human failings, human needs and human learnings. I say this often in my blogs. Anyone who believes they are above and beyond the realms of being tested or willing to work on themselves and able to go deeper will stop evolving and learning.
I found myself angry, very angry. I thought I was being dis-respected, controlled, belittled, judged and excluded. That’s quite a list! I was in conflict with myself too. I knew I knew better than to react and after doing some work around this, found that I was responding calmly and rationally. I was actually very proud of how I was handling the situation.
That was until the second one came along and really took the wind out of my sails! Ok, I thought, this is now a bit bigger and requires a different approach. I reached out to a friend for some help and asked what I was missing. I knew it was me that needed to change my approach, but what I couldn’t see was the lesson and without the lesson, I couldn’t change. Is that just me, or do others find that the lesson has to be learned first?
Getting Deeper
I started to ask myself ‘What’s the worst that could happen’? and then ‘What’s the best that could happen’? When you truly can’t answer the first question, you know you’ve got the result you need, or you haven’t really got a problem!
I began with, ‘I’ll be treated like this for the rest of my life, or at least for the next 4 years’. When I realised we’d already made it through 7 years, 4 years was quite easy!
I then asked if that was actually true. Had it been 7 years of this, or just specific times in the 7 years? Was it really so awful? Was I making some of it up? Was I perpetuating my myth?
That meant I could then start to concentrate on how I could make a difference to helping the best to come to fruition.
Did it really matter what I thought about this person’s attitude? Could I create more flexibility? Could I look at this as their reaction to something and not take it personally? How could I disengage and let go while continuing to care and be available? How easy would it be for me to feel at peace and for what reason was I not letting it happen?
Lifting, Lifting
I made the choice to disengage and be at peace within myself. To test I’d made the right choice, I was presented with a phone call yesterday with a friend who isn’t into self development and there’s always a good chance that my way is not his!
It sure wasn’t and as I found myself listening to his solutions to my problem – fight fight fight. I could feel myself shaking my head, my stomach was giving little cramping signs, and I was silently saying ‘No, no. That doesn’t fit with me and my way’. After then being criticised for being a therapist and not handling my problems, I knew for sure that the chosen solution for my peace was absolutely the right one. I smiled and said thank you. I reminded myself that as a mediator I had just been given yet another wonderful lesson to use and practice.
All conflict is internal. Whether we are facing world, community, work, school, or relationship conflict – we must first look at the conflict we have within. When we are able to find what we really want instead of conflict, we are then able to work towards that.
I’m blessed to be able to mediate with my own inner conflicts, this one took very little time once I realised what I was dealing with. Bang, another door is shut!
The Wisest Fool in Christendom #215800
As I sat to type the title Day 6 for my fitness and Day 1 of the 21:5:800 challenge, it dawned on me that there’d been a King James I (England) and VI (Scotland). He was the son of Mary Queen of Scots.
I wondered then how I could incorporate this into today’s writing. Without going into his full history and impacts as that would require too much research which I don’t have time for, what I gleaned from skim reading the Wikipedia page was that he was a very scholarly man, wrote masses, had strong religious feelings, commissioned a translation of a compilation of the approved books for the Bible (King James Bible). During his reign he orchestrated a crackdown on witches; the Gunpowder Plot was thwarted and the colonization of North America commenced.
Busy man!! Perhaps the most notable legacy though was his wish and intent to bring both Scotland and England under one crown and one parliament – then, as now, it met with opposition from both sides.
It’s the seeming disparity which I’m drawing on. When two things which seem to link don’t.
Perhaps it’s more to do with the veil of illusion and how we choose to translate things. How often do we wind ourselves, and others up, by seeing what we believe to be true and expressing it, feeling it and acting upon it.
Harnessing that truth is what sets people apart, it also brings them together – but only when we meet those who think the same way. We can be villified in one quarter and lorded in another. We can have ideas which are different and be mocked for them. We can be slow on the uptake because we need to understand more, and be mocked for it.
We put obstacles in our own path to stop us from changing and embracing new ideas, possibilities and solutions.
It doesn’t look to me like King James was that kind of person and neither am I!!
The veil of illusion fell upon me earlier though as I rattled off a new article for Ugli Mediation , ironically (or not) addressing the issues of criticism from self and others. Whooppee, it meant I’d completed my 800 word count for today (it’s not posted yet)!! I yoga’d after that and felt the stretch in my legs, my shoulders, my hips and my core.
I then read Hiro Boga’s utterly amazing blog, Tsunamis in the House of Wholeness with a cup of tea, having smugly completed my day. I’d only just finished the yoga and was feeling very open. It brought me back to earth with a bump.
That’s when the veil descended over me. The illusion was two fold – my writing wasn’t good enough, and I hadn’t entered into the spirit of the project as the 800 words I’d written were work related.
As I stripped back the illusion I found the disparity – the link between the 200+ writers in this challenge is our participation, our pleasure in taking part in the project, it is not what or how we write.
I allowed myself to recognise that I had created an excellent article and where I’d really let myself down was by believing it would count towards my 800 words. My intention in this project is to learn to express myself in a more creative manner, to stretch my writing as well as my body, but above and beyond that it’s to peel away the layers of illusion.
Days 3-5; Variety Act – Fitness and Writing
Obviously I won’t be doing them simultaneously, or will I? My guess is that it’s quite likely … although not physically writing you understand, more like allowing the ideas and content to flow in.
Today my great friend Amy Palko highlighted a new writing project to get involved in. It’s being organised by a lady called Bindu Wiles who seems to have had one of those extraordinary lives, challenging might be an understatement, and she’s found her way through. This project has a twist, and I love twists!
For 21 days, we’ll be doing 5 days of yoga a week and 800 words of writing per day.
This has come at just the right time because at the weekend I didn’t do any exercise. Hence this is Days 3-5 all wrapped up in one blog!! Against my better judgement, God gave me rain, and more rain and yet more rain. My intended bike ride in the Borders was a wash out and so I let go of the notion and decided that the weekend could be rest days, unless it was sunny and I wanted to get out.
It’s a strange thing isn’t it when you commit to something and you start making excuses like – it rained, this is meant to be pleasure, I need a break occasionally. I pondered those and wondered if I was repeating an old pattern. But … what I learned was that I’d let go of the need to wear a hair shirt, to beat myself up for not doing something and I knew that I’d be back to the gym. And as if by magic, here now is a chance to add even more variety to the act of getting fit – and it keeps me attending my blog at the same time …. what a stroke of brilliant luck!
This afternoon, I’ve been back and done my full workout. It was a bit of a techno challenge on some of those machines knowing which handle to pull and where to put it. I worked out that if it felt awkward it was in the wrong place. The only time that wasn’t the case was for the ‘Abductor’ …. I tell you, it’s nearly as evil as it’s name suggests and exercises those bits that Heineken can’t reach on your inner thighs.
For the days when folk are feeling a bit burned out, or in my case, done enough exercise for one day, Bindu kindly includes something called Savasana (the corpse pose)! This is a resting posture done at the end of yoga practice in a prone position on the floor for 20-40 minutes listening to relaxing music. That sounds just perfect for days like today when a bit of peace and stillness is needed instead of more stretching and exercising.
For the writing part of the project, in addition to keeping these blogs going, I’m using this as the perfect opportunity to enter the Guildford Book Festival Short Story Competition which is being sponsored by the lovely Tom Evans, The Bookwright. This short story is just about ready to burst forth into reality and when it’s complete, it’ll be available from our site Ugli Mediation – there are a few twists and turns in it which make Ugli the ideal platform for it given that the work we do involves transforming ugly situations.
Day 2 – Fitness or Scenery
No pain (ok just a few twinges in my abs) after my first day in the gym – which possibly means I didn’t do enough!
I considered going back to the gym and pushing myself just a bit further, but it was such a lovely day and I really fancied a decent walk in the fresh air. I live at the very edge of the Pentlands and can walk up into the hills from my house. So at lunch time, I headed out of the door and up the hill behind the house. It was beautiful and the walk I’d intended being for 30 minutes turned into an hour and a half! It wasn’t a hill walk per se, but it did include a long and steady upward climb which satisifed the cardio element I so need to get on top of!
There’s nothing like nature and fresh air to give you a new lease of life and energise you. I didn’t take my camera as I was going for exercise not to enjoy the scenery. I kicked myself for being so black and white about it! It’s perfectly possible to do both isn’t it!
Amongst the gorse bushes were sheep, many of whom were attempting to shed their thick woolly fleeces to get escape the heat of the sun. It’s so easy for us to just slip layers on and off, my fleece was tied round my waist! Bits of fleece hung on the gorse like dull tinsel, but for the most part, the sheep were looking hot and bedraggled as their fleeces were coming away in clumps. Must be shearing time soon.
Walking back home via Poet’s Glen was a joy. Dropping down through the woods, and back along the Water of Leith, it felt very Dingley Dell like! I used to do walks like this every day – when I had a dog.
As it’s already Day 3 (I forgot to post yesterday), my plan is to get my bicycle out and go for a wee cycle in the Borders when I pop down to visit my Mother. And yes, I will take my camera with me.
Day 1 of the Gym
Okay, so after yesterday’s somewhat soul laid bare blog, I thought it only reasonable to keep myself motivated with blog entries and a running commentary – no-one else has to read it, but it will do me good to have an expression of what’s happening!
First off, I attended a 4 Networking meeting this morning – the first since the launch of our new company Ugli Mediation.
It was with a degree of nervous anticipation that I stood up and said the words ‘I’m Ugli’. We launched the business only on 17th May and we were soon given advice from various online friends, some of them marketeers, that we ‘should’ change our name. In the other camp we had staunch allies to trust our guts and do what we felt was right.
After much deliberation, Amanda and I decided that we were set on Ugli Mediation – it has a purpose, it has meaning, it is memorable and it also does what it says on the tin – we deal with ugly situations and we work to resolve them. There’s no point in trying to get away from that. Other mediators may choose a different tack but this one is ours.
When I uttered those words outloud for the first time, I thought of what I’d written here yesterday and it gave me a wry smile. The 30 or so people in the meeting laughed, and congratulated us on our choice of name, the pitch and the concept. I had to shoot off early, to go to my induction at the gym, but I was buoyed by the number of members who had possible leads, collaborative efforts and were willing to give input.
In the changing rooms I was welcomed by a handful of ladies who’d just finished a class, they were very jolly, and full of what a great class it had been. Even more hopefully, they were giving testimonials for the insrtuctors – not one had a bad word to say, and trust me, I was listening!
Lea Woodward’s advice rang in my ears at 7am as I packed my gym stuff, and I chose to listen and deliberately put in a t-shirt which was a damn sight more fitting than I’d intended yesterday!
The instructor, a girl called Anna, was Polish with a wonderful Scottish lilt in her accent! She was very kind, gentle and yet she meant business … as did I!! After the warm up and cardio machines, which were relatively easy to understand even for me, we moved through to the weight room.
Oh man alive! This is where my face fell. She did keep checking that I was ok. The problem had nothing to do with the workout, what I was wearing or how I was feeling, it was simply to do with the set up of the machines – all the bits to tweak and turn so that your shoulders, knees, hips and heaven knows whatever else are lined up correctly.
I surprised myself, pleasantly I might add to find that I could do what was being asked of me …. albeit that perhaps it was at the simplest level ever! That is, until we got to the ab crunching contraption … as Annie mentioned in yesterday’s post. Where yesterday it meant nothing to me, today it means everything!
It was all set up, she’d demonstrated the simpicity of sitting up by lifting upper body and legs at the same time, but for some strange reason when I lay on the bench and attempted a move, it stayed static. I asked, perplexed, are you sure you haven’t put a lock on.
But you know what, I persevered and after one, I breathed a sigh of relief. After three, I was puce in the face. After six she called it a day. When I queried how many I was to do and she replied twelve, I wondered how on earth! But Annie’s words came to mind at that point – you’ll get the better of the contraption.
So I chose to finish my one set of 12 – oh, and by the way this time Anna pointed out that I’d been doing it the hard way! Ha, not me, surely!! So, by not going all the way down and being totally prone you can sort of cheat. I tried that, but to be honest I liked my way better! Apparently in the morning I might be sore.
Another hurdle to jump
Have you ever noticed that things which for others are apparently innocuous can be huge for you?
This week I’ve been persuaded to join a gym. There’s a lot written about people who join gyms and then stop after the first burst of enthusiasm – a bit like folk who take up tennis when Wimbledon’s on, or folk who make New Year’s resolutions which last all of a week or for some maybe a month.
I tend not to do things which I’m not committed to, so it was a great surprise to me yesterday when I found that I’d actually agreed to join the gym.
Bizarrely, I like being fit and I like to do a lot of walking. The thought of displaying myself and my ineptitude in front of other people is something I balk at. The really uncomfortable bit for me though is being seen in tight clothing. I’ve got my baggy t-shirts looked out to avoid such an eventuality. The swimming pool might have to wait a bit longer until I’ve summonsed up the courage to step out with my head held high.
All of this stems from being a very overweight (13 stone) and unfit teenager with a pair of boobs which were oggled at thanks to the fact that I could put Dolly Parton to shame. Surgery at the age of 18 put paid to the physical aspect of the horror as my mountains were made into molehills, however it’s amazing how long the emotional and mental trauma can last. Given what I do, I’ve worked on most of these issues in the past and as I’ve said before … we have to clear things at all levels – spiritual, mental, emotional and physical before we are truly free of whatever was holding us back.
I’m well aware that 2010 is my year of clearing the physical and joining the gym is one huge leap towards owning my body and being happy with myself in it.
Something which crops up a lot is other folk’s attitudes – because of the work I do and the size I am – a petite 6-8, people automatically assume that I should be comfy in my own skin. There are raised eyebrows, sharp intakes of breath and almost a ‘how dare you attitude’, particularly from women.
So tomorrow lunchtime will see me at the gym for an induction session. I’ve asked for help from my good mate Garth Delikan, The Lifestyle Guy to give me a programme which won’t kill me in the first week. My friend and business partner will be encouraging me, and as she has a weight/fitness goal to achieve in a short timescale, we’ll be comparing notes.
As always, you only get out what you put in – what I want to achieve by joining the gym is the pleasure of feeling fit, the joy of being more in touch with my body, the sense of achievement which I know will come quickly and overall, the fact that at 50 I’m closing more doors in one year than I’ve ever done in my life by addressing my comfort zones.
Know Yourself
There are few who are willing to
Know what goes on below
Where hidden in the depths
A torrent of pain and confusion
Of believing I’m a fraud.
The belief for them and me
Is that I’m happy and carefree
And I am, not waving but drowning.
With whom can I share the truth
Who will stand firm by me?
In the days of the dark places
I have been blessed by spirit
Who lets me see it’s ok to be me
Who gives me what I need and
I hear his prayer to set me free.
My challenge in those times is to trust
To truly believe beyond now
To know now is good
And can be better when I let it
Happen his way.
I vow to surrender myself
The lessons are mine alone
They make me who I am, taking me
Forward on an ever increasing spiral
Of wonder and choice.
Thank you for keeping me strong
Thank you for holding me true
Thank you for shining your light on me
Thank you for loving me more than I have
Thank you for my life.
Jackie Walker 2008
When Intuition is not Projection
I’ve got another big growth question here and I need your help again dear readers.
If we accept that we are all that is and we can not perceive something we haven’t projected, then that means that whatever we see has to come from within and it’s up to us to clear up in ourselves that which we are finding happening to us on the outside … yes?
Ok, I’ve got that bit. And I also got this bit:
We often attract people to us who are displaying something we still have to clear, or who are exhibiting behaviour/characteristics etc that we have already cleared.
Then, there’s the next bit, which I pretty much get too:
What about if you are intuitive, and can sense what another person is feeling/being – my guess is that we still have to look inside as that’s what all the Kahunas did. And only when they’d cleared their own issue in that area, even though they didn’t realise they had it, could the client then move on.
So, my dilemma at the moment is that I’m feeling like I’m picking up a person ‘hiding part of themselves’ in my life and only when I expressed that I felt I was having to hide part of me, did I realise that I wasn’t actually doing so, I was being open and honest and it was being met with resistance.
If that’s the truth, and in the past I have hidden my full truth, what does that then mean about my current situation? Does it mean that because I recognise the issue and have cleared it in myself, that I am now the teacher and not the student?
I learned that one of the best indicators was that our emotional response is the key indicator to whether you’ve cleared an issue or not. What I’ve found today, is that when I expressed what I felt must be my problem (perception/projection rule) , I suddenly got the feeling of ‘No, this isn’t yours, it’s theirs’.
How do you deal with situations like this?
Seek understanding
I don’t know about you but sometimes a phrase or a word jumps out at me when I’m reading something and this morning as I read my ‘A Note from the Universe’, it happened again. ‘Seek Understanding’.
So I went and had a shower, and I made another coffee – decaff of course – and still ‘seek understanding’ is bouncing around the walls in my head and more than that, it’s sitting low down in my solar plexus and heart area too – I know that it’s important for me to pay attention when the message has an impact on my body.
It dawned on me that I’d just read a lovely blog by @JaneCWoods about swopping shoes for the day – this too is about seeking understanding.
With a double message in under an hour, I realised that I had some work to do. Who or what am I not understanding?
I started to examine what I’d been missing and I began to realise that understanding underpins love, respect and compassion. This isn’t new and is certainly something I advocate already, but today it’s going deeper.
What is understanding after all. Is it simply making sense of something, is it being willing to open your mind to a wider reality, is it being prepared to be ‘not right’? Or is it really about being willing to let go of your beliefs long enough to create a space into which love and compassion can flow.
Often we say we understand very quickly while inside us there’s a wee niggle which says ‘You don’t really but it’s easier and quicker to say you do’ . It often says ‘Don’t push just agree’.
To truly understand we have to be both passive and active – we might have to ask the question we don’t want to ask, we might have to check whether the understanding to be gained comes from outside ourselves or from within. Sometimes others do hold the answer to our learnings but more often than not, that answer is only the light being shone so that we can see what we have missed.
This morning I’m looking over some events which have happened in the last couple of months where perhaps I’ve not sought better understanding. With true understanding, one needs to detach totally from your own agenda.
We all have agendas and we all have goals and purposes and dreams to fulfill (if you don’t then it’s a good time to start making some 
) Our paths are littered with people and situations which are there to help us, to teach us, to get in the way, to test our resolve, and to determine whether or not we are willing to understand.
What is it we are seeking to understand though? We need to understand the truth. The truth can hurt until we learn that it’s only feedback to help us grow. The truth is something which when we take personally or resist means you will never gain the understanding.
Stop, look and listen – outside and inside and seek understanding of others and of yourself. It’s a two way message and this is what is so often missing. Thank you TUT and Jane for mine.
What are you listening to and believing?
Written two years ago, I found this post today. I consider myself lucky to still have kids young enough to enjoy the Disney/Pixar etc films because it gives me an excuse to settle down and get the ‘other’ message which is so often running through them.
If you haven’t seen Horton hears a Who, it’s well worth taking the time to see it – whatever age you are! Horton questions the very meaning of existence – what if we are just a speck. What if there is something much bigger than us which makes a difference to our world. Horton is the big thing and he goes out of his way to save the speck world from disaster – coming up against all sorts of dangers and evils on his way.
My daughter asked me which bit I liked best and I could instantly identify two key bits
- when he crosses a rickety rope bridge and has to adopt two new strategies – one fill himself with air (it nearly worked but he ran out of breath) and then the second – he kept looking up and out because to look down all he could see was inevitable disaster. When he reaches the other side in one piece he does a dance because he’s feeling so happy – and then he wonders to himself if it’s because he now has a purpose.
- when he steadfastly sticks to his truth even against the onslaught of the whole jungle. As always is the case in these films, the ending is perfect – all the other animals suddenly heard what he heard and he was free. The really nice touch was that he held no grudge against the main perpetrator of his near downfall and understood that she was only doing the best she could with what she believed to be true.
Horton taught much of what I teach – how to believe in yourself, finding those who do believe in you, to have a purpose, to question your reality, and lastly you are never too big or too small to learn how to do something new even if it seems like climbing Everest just now.
