Archive for the ‘Guiding’ Category
I watched as the group dispersed and one lady hung back, she’d been quiet during the meeting; listening, watching; it looked like she had a question to ask. I smiled encouragingly.
‘May I ask you something?’ she asked. ‘Of course, how can I help you?’
It transpired that she was married to a wonderful man and therefore not in need of mediation, but she wanted to know if she could have done anything differently at the time, 27 years ago, to have kept her first marriage alive. She’d often wondered about it, and could still get upset that she might have been too hasty. She’d learned many years later from her ex mother in law that she ‘should’ have used an iron fist in a velvet glove approach with her ex husband, that was how to deal with him.
The conversation progressed from there, and she began to understand that mediation is more common than most people realise. Mediation is used to find the best possible outcome for those with any form of conflict. Conflict can be internal – this lady still had conflicting feelings and emotions around her divorce. 27 years is a long time to hang on to it.
‘I know I shouldn’t even be thinking of it anymore as it was so long ago’ she confessed ‘but there’s a wee part of me which still wonders’.
With a few questions we quickly got to the cause of her internal conflict, and it was very quickly put to bed. She thanked me and sighed. That sigh indicated that this lady had no reason to carry this burden around with her any longer, it was now gone.
As she turned to leave, she stopped, turned round and said ‘I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from me’.
Mediation is simply a facilitating process, whether with another individual or with the parts of yourself , which cause you pain, fear or simply to clear up things which you are curious about. All it takes is being willing to want to reach an end to the issue.
Stuffing things away and pretending they don’t exist is as helpful as a chocolate teapot.
As I lay in bed last night listening to the wind in the trees, the leaves doing a frenzied dance with epic stamina (they’d been at it for a few days), I stopped thinking. I stop thinking regularly, some folk call it meditation. I used to believe that meditation had to have a purpose and that it was difficult to do because I’m not great at relaxing, but the more I’ve stopped thinking, the easier it gets to define what works for me. If it’s meditation, great, if it’s just no thought, great!
I need that time just to let go, to stop things becoming overwhelming. It doesn’t of course mean that the situation changes while I’m not thinking about it, or does it?
Situations are just that, they aren’t the things which create the stress and fear in our lives. It’s our feelings, our thoughts, our emotions which are all tied up in what we understand the situation to be saying to us. The experience we then have is our story around the problem.
While I lie in a place of ‘no thought’, I’m suspended. Time too is suspended. The situation is still going on, but it doesn’t bother me in a place of ‘no thought’.
One day I got to realising after clocking up so many no-thought airmiles, that actually I didn’t need to go there in order to be there. I could just be there all the time.
If I can suspend time and a situation by not thinking about it when I chose to deliberately, then that was also an option while I went about the rest of my daily chores and life. Imagine how wonderful that is!
Now this could get irresponsible because although you can suspend time and problems from your thoughts, there are things which you might have to change to accommodate the issue and that there are things for which you are responsible and you must take action.
You need to know what it is you want to achieve, what outcome you are looking at. You need a focus and a goal – one which you know is determined by you and is not reliant on others. This might even be as simple as ‘I want to feel happy, or at peace’. So the difference lies by taking stock of what you can do, and doing it.
When you know that you’ve taken the steps required by you, and some of them might be massive pieces of action, you have done what you can. The action required isn’t always done in one fell swoop, but starting doing one thing at a time will make a difference.
Continually ruminating and cogitating over what has happened, where you are and how unfair it all is will hold you stuck. The no-thought helps to stop that process and gives you the added oomph to start taking the steps which will pull you through.
Having someone to help you move beyond what appears to be the problem and help you get to no-thought is the first step you might consider.
Without clients my life just isn’t complete. I shine when I see people move on from their fears, their pain, their acceptance of letting go. I feel them changing at the other end of the telephone line. Their voices lower, their shoulders relax.
Sometimes all it takes is one or two words, sometimes it takes longer. More often than not, just being at the end of the phone for encouragement, support and validation of a client’s feelings is the first step to them being able to move on with the rest of their life.
I want to share this email, and I have permission from the writer to do so. I’ve been moved to tears by her words. Please enjoy them and understand my work too.
Last week, a situation between me, and let’s say “significant other” whom I had been involved in a “relationship” of kinds with in my life reached breaking point. Our relationship terminated forever. Neither one of us can go back to where we were.
For three days I had not been able to stem the tears, the hurt and pain weeping out of every pore, the mind going over every conversation, every event, over and over like a mad person just possessed by the pain, reliving every beautiful moment but unable to comprehend why or how it suddenly, and literally overnight, turned into the ugliest and most painful experience.
I don’t reach out on personal matters. Its something my hard exterior will not allow. If I let someone inside the brick wall that surrounds me, they will hurt me…..past experience tells me this…and now I have learnt that when you allow people inside, where you heart is raw and hurting, there is quite simply the capacity for someone to wound it further.
I am an armadillo. What the world sees is the tough shell.
If there was a chance of making the relationship better I would have leapt in a heart beat to it. Like the word fatal after a car crash, this relationship had ended fatally too. In my heart I knew the separation was ultimately the absolute best thing in many many ways, the pain was still crippling. I could not see a way forward, and despite my life being almost hideously fortuitous in every other way, this person absence from my life was soul destroying.
Through these days, one person was popping in and out of my conscious mind. My twitter contact Jackie Walker. Her location “at the end of the phone” was propelling me to call her. I was not sure why.
The universe I guess was at play. We meet people after all, for a reason, season or lifetime…..and there is no such thing as a chance meeting.
From the moment the phone rang, and I started to talk, the tears started to spill, I was almost hyperventilating as I cried, unable to breathe, the hurt inside as I spoke, tearing me apart and just hearing someone’s calm and rational voice, that cared, someone who just let me talk, who understood the pain, who asked the right questions, who gently probed was enough….….until an hour and a half later not only could I actually breathe again but the heavy black cloud that has engulfed me for the past 72 hours had started to part allowing rays of sunshine to pour into my heart and start to just melt the ice that had surrounded my insides and stopped my lungs from functioning. As Jackie probed and questioned the answers that I was searching for, that perhaps I knew already deep inside, started to talk to my logical brain. As I rubbished the way I felt, embarrassed to say the words “I loved this person, I care, and I feel hurt and angry” Jackie gave me utter permission to not only feel this way, but to almost celebrate allowing the emotion to come out.
It was an exhausting call, I had totally purged my emotion in a way that society tells me is simply not appropriate to do. My instant trust in jackie reassured me it was OK. Jackie left me with some amazing meditations to cut the emotional ties that were holding me down and to just cut myself and focus on all the wonderful things that remain in my life, which are actually the most wondrous and precious things of all.
The next few hours and days became easier to cope with the feelings, and several days later I can now reflect on this call.
Jackie is a mediator. Her passion and dedication is to mediate Ugly situations. I could not ask for mediation as my situation was long past that but, I know with Jackie’s help, my situation would not have ended the way it had if we had tried to resolve it with her help. I’ve never really understood the role of a mediator to facilitate improving a relationship, but I realize now, with no uncertainty at all, that someone with the gifts that Jackie has, can truly truly help.
I didn’t really know Jackie until that call. However the person at “the end of the phone” allowed me to share how I feel, she gently guided me through all the hurt probing me for answers and solutions and ways forward….and it was so natural it was like talking to my best friend, it wasn’t embarrassing or awkward and in such a relatively short time I could see the answers and solutions needed to actually move forward. My life had literally been suspended in mid air for 3 days, I would still be there now if it was not for the support from Jackie.
I absolutely would not hesitate in recommending Jackie to help others, especially people struggling within a relationship and preferably before its too late. I think perhaps we all hold onto so much pain inside, that if left trapped not only does in not allow you to move forward but the ugliness of the situation will always stay within you locked in the “here and now”. Jackie is someone you can open up to who will guide you through and out the other side.
I was reading through loads of the other 215800 blogs and while doing so, burned my oven chips – I know, I don’t usually eat them, but the cupboard is bare today and so’s my tummy after burning the chips! As I sat eating my chicken, salad and remaining chips, it came to me. There’d been a man in my room last night. He came through the window.
Oh and before I go any further – the update to the fitness side of this blog that I also promised to keep up – I’ve kept up my gym attendance as promised – 3 times last week, and today I was there again. The cardio stuff is getting easier and the wee lights on the cross trainer don’t scream ‘Heart attack ready to happen’ until I’m well ready to get off, and not before any more! I see that as progress and am feeling very proud that I’m even still going. I’m not yet enjoying it, but I’m becoming better, maybe that’ll lead to enjoyment!
Consistency is the word that I was given today and I can honestly say that consistency is proving to be so worthwhile – it’s giving me some time off this week too – what a great task master!
But now I want to explore this man. I do my savasana in bed, maybe I shouldn’t but last thing at night, I don’t want to fall asleep on the floor and wake up hours later to climb into bed, so I combine the two!
At some point in the middle of the night I remember a man coming through my curtains and sitting on my bed. I remember being pleased to see him. He was well dressed, good looking, dark hair, well spoken and it seemed perfectly normal that he came through the window unannounced. We spent ages chatting, I’ve no idea about what. Then he left, the way he’d come in.
I don’t even remember wondering who he was, he just was, who he was.
Some time later he came back, wearing different clothes as I recall. This time I wasn’t in bed, but I was in the room, it wasn’t me now, but me then, and that’s not past it’s to come. It wasn’t my room as it is now, it’s as it will be. Again, I have no idea what we talked about but I know he helped me with some advice and then he was gone. He was a busy guy and made a deliberate effort to come and spend time with me. I felt very cherished.
Patently I needed a lot of help last night, he was back for a third visit! This time it was a very different meeting. Much more intimate, much more affection, closeness and there was a depth and meaning to our relationship. He was laughing as he came back through the window. Light hearted, warm, funny and very welcome. I noticed the change and I remember asking him about it, he reassured me. I raised my eyebrows and felt myself relax and be at ease. All was well – he said so.
How could I have forgotten this wonderful presence until now? I think I might have to have an early night 😉
I’ve got another big growth question here and I need your help again dear readers.
If we accept that we are all that is and we can not perceive something we haven’t projected, then that means that whatever we see has to come from within and it’s up to us to clear up in ourselves that which we are finding happening to us on the outside … yes?
Ok, I’ve got that bit. And I also got this bit:
We often attract people to us who are displaying something we still have to clear, or who are exhibiting behaviour/characteristics etc that we have already cleared.
Then, there’s the next bit, which I pretty much get too:
What about if you are intuitive, and can sense what another person is feeling/being – my guess is that we still have to look inside as that’s what all the Kahunas did. And only when they’d cleared their own issue in that area, even though they didn’t realise they had it, could the client then move on.
So, my dilemma at the moment is that I’m feeling like I’m picking up a person ‘hiding part of themselves’ in my life and only when I expressed that I felt I was having to hide part of me, did I realise that I wasn’t actually doing so, I was being open and honest and it was being met with resistance.
If that’s the truth, and in the past I have hidden my full truth, what does that then mean about my current situation? Does it mean that because I recognise the issue and have cleared it in myself, that I am now the teacher and not the student?
I learned that one of the best indicators was that our emotional response is the key indicator to whether you’ve cleared an issue or not. What I’ve found today, is that when I expressed what I felt must be my problem (perception/projection rule) , I suddenly got the feeling of ‘No, this isn’t yours, it’s theirs’.
How do you deal with situations like this?
I’m wondering if you too are sitting there wondering where to even start being able to define yourself? I heard a question on Twitter the other day which asked what, how and who are you. As I began to imagine my answer, I saw things which were quite a surprise.
Have you ever had the need to define yourself in that way? It’s a surprise also to ask the question for what reason are you as you’ve described? This one might bring up a whole load of reasons for being the person you are and not the person you want to be or thought you were.
The other thing we can pay attention to, if you’re so inclined, is awareness that we can choose at any given time to change our identity. Sometimes that comes as a shock. Sometimes our identity feels like it’s the only thing we can hang onto in a world of constant change. The answer of course boils down to whether you’re happy with what you’ve created. After all, you are the only person who thinks your thoughts, does what you do and feels the way you feel, so the responsibility is yours.
I’ve been going through a period of redefinition … again!! My old website The Divorce Coach disappeared from the web at the beginning of January. I hadn’t noticed as I was otherwise engaged on a very intensive training course in France. When it was drawn to my attention yesterday, I took a step back and wondered whether or not to reinstate the site or whether it was a good time to let it go and allow me to redefine the work I do without a divorce label.
Other labels we often wear are ones like Mum, Dad, mother, daughter, father, son, etc etc and those are in addition to the label for the job we do. Recently I’ve noticed how many people are not able to define what they do so easily as they may well be involved in various business ventures, each requiring different skill sets and abilities.
I wonder too if this is the time to being willing to question more? The Divining Femininity website and workshops are exploring what it is to be female. It’s a different meaning for each of us and even just within the 4 group co-ordinators we are finding very different understandings.
Maybe I’m alone but for me 2010 is about re-defining me, my life and what I’m about. This takes divining – a deeper exploration, an asking and an open-ness to receive insights I don’t know yet, the willingness to step into the dark unknown.
In conjunction with Amy Palko, Gill Taylor and Vena Ramphal, I’m involved in a very exciting new venture. This year sees us explore together and with clients what it means to be female, how to be a woman and feminine in 2010 and how many different types of feminine personas there really are and how society can make it confusing.
Word of mouth saw 5 spaces being grabbed before we even had a venue booked – would you like one of the few remaining spaces?
More about what we are doing:
The snow and ice starts to melt into the cold dark earth and the verdant shoots begin to push their way up to the surface. New birth, new growth is stirring as newborn lambs cavort in the fields and baby birds cheep in the branches above. The time of the Daughter is now. Her lithe, supple limbs dance across the land as she feels the youthful strength exude from every pore, every fibre, every cell, every strand. Her heart is unblemished, unbroken, and yet it is also completely and utterly open, unguarded. She exists at the top right hand quadrant of the female cycle, the female year.
In this, our inaugural Divining Femininity workshop, we aim to celebrate the start of this cycle through a magical mix of goddesses, astrology and yogic and tantric passion coaching. We want to invite you to join us for a 2 day workshop in the heart of Edinburgh, 20/21 February, to seek the divine feminine in the cycles of contemporary lived experience of women of all ages, stages and backgrounds. Explore with us the wonder of your femininity as we tell stories, journal bodies, invoke goddesses and chart celestial paths.
The Divine Feminine is calling: it is time for the bud to blossom!
You will find that the weekend is experiential which means that you as an individual will learn from yourself, the group and the hosts – Amy, Gill, Jackie and Vena. As co-ordinators of the workshop, we will ensure that the space is held to enable each of the small group to get what they need from the time spent with us.
To make sure this happens we will schedule a 30 minute coaching call with Jackie for each of you, both pre and post the weekend to really hone in on your requirements. You might like to think whether you have any issues and the greatest question which you would like to have answered. She will ask you for your perspective on being a female and what you would rather it be. After the weekend, you will be able to explore the answers you got, the questions which have since come up and get help with any integration which may be needed.
You will leave the weekend feeling refreshed, centred, more aware and with clarity of what feminine means to you.
You will be receiving:
- Two full day workshops
- One hour of 1:1 coaching
- A specially commissioned Female Year Journal
- Chakra map
- Body journaling instructions
- Breathing exercises
- Mp3 of guided meditation
- Personalised Astrology Chart
To join us on this adventure, you can choose now if you would like to book all 4 workshops** – each will be different and build upon the previous ones, and each can be taken as a standalone weekend or whether you would rather book them closer to the time.
The cost for a single weekend is £250
The cost to book all 4 is £900 – with the £100 saving being deducted from the 4th workshop in November.
Morning and Afternoon tea and coffee will be provided
** Future workshop dates for 2010
11-13 June; 17-19 September; 26-28 November
If you want to know more please just email me – contactjackiewalker at gmail dot com