Archive for the ‘Vulnerability’ Category
How does the word easy rest with you? It’s a strange word with so many connotations, many of which aren’t always positive!
Easy lover … be warned Phil Collins would tell us and don’t fall for an easy lover who will steal your heart and you won’t even feel it. That’s really not a positive outlook is it?
We are so often ingrained that anything that’s easy is bad for us. We must work hard, play hard and love hard. We need to suffer to succeed.
Is that necessarily true? It’s not the working long hours or putting in effort which is the issue, it’s the word hard!! Is your effort making your life easy … if not, for what reason are you doing it? Are you even enjoying it any more? Sometimes we feel we are suffering and yet given the options we would rather choose the life we have than make changes to live it differently – in those cases, stop moaning and recognise your choice.
On Twitter this morning, Davina McKail (@dreamwhisperer) suggests that to give in is to give inwards to yourself. And yesterday she noted that to give up on what isn’t working for you – is not failure, we’re surrendering and handing over to our higher power.
There’s been a bit of a theme running along these lines recently as Sally Asling (@surreylets) wrote an article about letting go in business and comparing it to the bit in the Titanic where Rose has to let go of Jack to save herself.
When you notice a theme running in your life, things you see or hear – music on the radio, tweets which catch your attention, articles which jump out at you – it’s time to listen up and think about where in your life you would be wise to tune in and actually hear the alarm clock which is trying to wake you up to your own situation.
If you’ve been making things more difficult for yourself by holding onto a ‘Jack’ equivalent, if you feel that giving in or giving up is failure, maybe it’s time to recognise what positive step could actually be made if you did give in or up.
Sometimes you need to say ‘enough is enough’ or ‘I have done all I can here’. Is that failure? Not in my book, it’s actually being willing to make life easier.
Adopt the mantra – easy, easy, easy! Question your decisions, look at your options, which one is easy and which one will you now take?
I don’t know if you ski or not? I don’t anymore after a rather dramatic exit from the ski slopes in the year dot when I took out 3 ligaments in my right knee and although they were replaced twice in one year, that kind of piste is not one I venture onto any longer!
But even if you don’t ski, you’re sure to be able to bring up images of fresh snow and have feelings of total pleasure at being the first to cut a path across the virgin landscape knowing that you’re marking the ground with your own footsteps, going where no man has gone before.
Or perhaps you’d be like my daughters who hate anyone to spoil the fresh snow, they want to preserve it for posterity, or at least until it melts. They like the pristine, the unclaimed, the unsullied.
What I wanted to talk about was how may clients I get who have suddenly realised that they’ve been busy making sure that they are doing the right thing by everyone else, that they’ve done very little for themselves.
In essence they’ve stayed on piste all their lives, doing what they need to do to keep everyone else happy, making sure that they follow the footsteps laid out, they don’t make any new marks. The trouble with this is that eventually they get piste off and begin to feel like a common dogsbody, a door mat and they start to get angry.
A little problem here because they don’t know how to express themselves and they don’t know what will happen if they stop being ‘nice’. Yes that’s what they’re scared of that some folk will not think that they’re nice. They’re scared of being disliked if they stop doing everything for everybody. So, they continue to be nice, they continue to let others take advantage of their ‘gentle giving’ nature and inside they are getting frustrated, piste off and their heart is no longer in their giving.
I read this somewhere but I can’t find it to quote it properly, so this was the essence –
‘I’d rather be disliked for being me than liked for being someone else’
If you were really you and could be absolutely guaranteed that you would be liked for yourself and not the person you think you ‘should’ be, who would you be? What would you stop or start?
Without clients my life just isn’t complete. I shine when I see people move on from their fears, their pain, their acceptance of letting go. I feel them changing at the other end of the telephone line. Their voices lower, their shoulders relax.
Sometimes all it takes is one or two words, sometimes it takes longer. More often than not, just being at the end of the phone for encouragement, support and validation of a client’s feelings is the first step to them being able to move on with the rest of their life.
I want to share this email, and I have permission from the writer to do so. I’ve been moved to tears by her words. Please enjoy them and understand my work too.
Last week, a situation between me, and let’s say “significant other” whom I had been involved in a “relationship” of kinds with in my life reached breaking point. Our relationship terminated forever. Neither one of us can go back to where we were.
For three days I had not been able to stem the tears, the hurt and pain weeping out of every pore, the mind going over every conversation, every event, over and over like a mad person just possessed by the pain, reliving every beautiful moment but unable to comprehend why or how it suddenly, and literally overnight, turned into the ugliest and most painful experience.
I don’t reach out on personal matters. Its something my hard exterior will not allow. If I let someone inside the brick wall that surrounds me, they will hurt me…..past experience tells me this…and now I have learnt that when you allow people inside, where you heart is raw and hurting, there is quite simply the capacity for someone to wound it further.
I am an armadillo. What the world sees is the tough shell.
If there was a chance of making the relationship better I would have leapt in a heart beat to it. Like the word fatal after a car crash, this relationship had ended fatally too. In my heart I knew the separation was ultimately the absolute best thing in many many ways, the pain was still crippling. I could not see a way forward, and despite my life being almost hideously fortuitous in every other way, this person absence from my life was soul destroying.
Through these days, one person was popping in and out of my conscious mind. My twitter contact Jackie Walker. Her location “at the end of the phone” was propelling me to call her. I was not sure why.
The universe I guess was at play. We meet people after all, for a reason, season or lifetime…..and there is no such thing as a chance meeting.
From the moment the phone rang, and I started to talk, the tears started to spill, I was almost hyperventilating as I cried, unable to breathe, the hurt inside as I spoke, tearing me apart and just hearing someone’s calm and rational voice, that cared, someone who just let me talk, who understood the pain, who asked the right questions, who gently probed was enough….….until an hour and a half later not only could I actually breathe again but the heavy black cloud that has engulfed me for the past 72 hours had started to part allowing rays of sunshine to pour into my heart and start to just melt the ice that had surrounded my insides and stopped my lungs from functioning. As Jackie probed and questioned the answers that I was searching for, that perhaps I knew already deep inside, started to talk to my logical brain. As I rubbished the way I felt, embarrassed to say the words “I loved this person, I care, and I feel hurt and angry” Jackie gave me utter permission to not only feel this way, but to almost celebrate allowing the emotion to come out.
It was an exhausting call, I had totally purged my emotion in a way that society tells me is simply not appropriate to do. My instant trust in jackie reassured me it was OK. Jackie left me with some amazing meditations to cut the emotional ties that were holding me down and to just cut myself and focus on all the wonderful things that remain in my life, which are actually the most wondrous and precious things of all.
The next few hours and days became easier to cope with the feelings, and several days later I can now reflect on this call.
Jackie is a mediator. Her passion and dedication is to mediate Ugly situations. I could not ask for mediation as my situation was long past that but, I know with Jackie’s help, my situation would not have ended the way it had if we had tried to resolve it with her help. I’ve never really understood the role of a mediator to facilitate improving a relationship, but I realize now, with no uncertainty at all, that someone with the gifts that Jackie has, can truly truly help.
I didn’t really know Jackie until that call. However the person at “the end of the phone” allowed me to share how I feel, she gently guided me through all the hurt probing me for answers and solutions and ways forward….and it was so natural it was like talking to my best friend, it wasn’t embarrassing or awkward and in such a relatively short time I could see the answers and solutions needed to actually move forward. My life had literally been suspended in mid air for 3 days, I would still be there now if it was not for the support from Jackie.
I absolutely would not hesitate in recommending Jackie to help others, especially people struggling within a relationship and preferably before its too late. I think perhaps we all hold onto so much pain inside, that if left trapped not only does in not allow you to move forward but the ugliness of the situation will always stay within you locked in the “here and now”. Jackie is someone you can open up to who will guide you through and out the other side.
I had a conversation which would have been impossible only a week ago. I felt calm, centred and grounded. I came from a place of willingness. At the other end of the phone, there was a tight voice, and as the conversation developed, it relaxed, became gentler, and the words flowed. There was space, on the line, for creating peace.
Hitting The Spot
I got to wondering about the times in our lives when nothing hits the spot. D’you find that you become disenchanted and bored with the contents of your fridge. The food you’ve been eating which once fulfilled you, is now boring. You yearn for something else, something to get your teeth into, to excite the taste buds and maybe even test your culinary skills.
I wondered then if perhaps we get bored with some of the interactions we’ve had with others and whether that affects us similarly. I know that this particular relationship is one which is too often trying, it’s monotonous in its predictability. It was time for something new. It just took a new recipe, and maybe a new shopping list of skills.
Peace … Again
Whatever it took, I’m going with the ease of today, and not resting on my laurels that it will continue unaided, it needs to be tended and nurtured. There’s much pain to undo, there’s a whole new relationship to be built, it might or might not be possible. My dearest hope and wish is that it doesn’t go back to the monotony of bitterness. If it were all up to me, I could guarantee it.
This is the challenge I have. If I’ve learned my lesson, the previous troubles should now fall away. What if the other person has lessons to learn which makes it continue? Or is it really going to be true that it won’t bother me anymore, it will be water off a duck’s back and that alone is what will create the peace? Ah, yes I think that’s it.
It’s hit the spot between the eyes, the third eye! I see it all clearly now.
Wow, this is even better than I thought at the beginning of the post and it’s nowhere near 800 words, but I’m done for today – my creation was in my conversation, live outloud writing!
I was reading through loads of the other 215800 blogs and while doing so, burned my oven chips – I know, I don’t usually eat them, but the cupboard is bare today and so’s my tummy after burning the chips! As I sat eating my chicken, salad and remaining chips, it came to me. There’d been a man in my room last night. He came through the window.
Oh and before I go any further – the update to the fitness side of this blog that I also promised to keep up – I’ve kept up my gym attendance as promised – 3 times last week, and today I was there again. The cardio stuff is getting easier and the wee lights on the cross trainer don’t scream ‘Heart attack ready to happen’ until I’m well ready to get off, and not before any more! I see that as progress and am feeling very proud that I’m even still going. I’m not yet enjoying it, but I’m becoming better, maybe that’ll lead to enjoyment!
Consistency is the word that I was given today and I can honestly say that consistency is proving to be so worthwhile – it’s giving me some time off this week too – what a great task master!
But now I want to explore this man. I do my savasana in bed, maybe I shouldn’t but last thing at night, I don’t want to fall asleep on the floor and wake up hours later to climb into bed, so I combine the two!
At some point in the middle of the night I remember a man coming through my curtains and sitting on my bed. I remember being pleased to see him. He was well dressed, good looking, dark hair, well spoken and it seemed perfectly normal that he came through the window unannounced. We spent ages chatting, I’ve no idea about what. Then he left, the way he’d come in.
I don’t even remember wondering who he was, he just was, who he was.
Some time later he came back, wearing different clothes as I recall. This time I wasn’t in bed, but I was in the room, it wasn’t me now, but me then, and that’s not past it’s to come. It wasn’t my room as it is now, it’s as it will be. Again, I have no idea what we talked about but I know he helped me with some advice and then he was gone. He was a busy guy and made a deliberate effort to come and spend time with me. I felt very cherished.
Patently I needed a lot of help last night, he was back for a third visit! This time it was a very different meeting. Much more intimate, much more affection, closeness and there was a depth and meaning to our relationship. He was laughing as he came back through the window. Light hearted, warm, funny and very welcome. I noticed the change and I remember asking him about it, he reassured me. I raised my eyebrows and felt myself relax and be at ease. All was well – he said so.
How could I have forgotten this wonderful presence until now? I think I might have to have an early night 😉
Have you ever noticed that things which for others are apparently innocuous can be huge for you?
This week I’ve been persuaded to join a gym. There’s a lot written about people who join gyms and then stop after the first burst of enthusiasm – a bit like folk who take up tennis when Wimbledon’s on, or folk who make New Year’s resolutions which last all of a week or for some maybe a month.
I tend not to do things which I’m not committed to, so it was a great surprise to me yesterday when I found that I’d actually agreed to join the gym.
Bizarrely, I like being fit and I like to do a lot of walking. The thought of displaying myself and my ineptitude in front of other people is something I balk at. The really uncomfortable bit for me though is being seen in tight clothing. I’ve got my baggy t-shirts looked out to avoid such an eventuality. The swimming pool might have to wait a bit longer until I’ve summonsed up the courage to step out with my head held high.
All of this stems from being a very overweight (13 stone) and unfit teenager with a pair of boobs which were oggled at thanks to the fact that I could put Dolly Parton to shame. Surgery at the age of 18 put paid to the physical aspect of the horror as my mountains were made into molehills, however it’s amazing how long the emotional and mental trauma can last. Given what I do, I’ve worked on most of these issues in the past and as I’ve said before … we have to clear things at all levels – spiritual, mental, emotional and physical before we are truly free of whatever was holding us back.
I’m well aware that 2010 is my year of clearing the physical and joining the gym is one huge leap towards owning my body and being happy with myself in it.
Something which crops up a lot is other folk’s attitudes – because of the work I do and the size I am – a petite 6-8, people automatically assume that I should be comfy in my own skin. There are raised eyebrows, sharp intakes of breath and almost a ‘how dare you attitude’, particularly from women.
So tomorrow lunchtime will see me at the gym for an induction session. I’ve asked for help from my good mate Garth Delikan, The Lifestyle Guy to give me a programme which won’t kill me in the first week. My friend and business partner will be encouraging me, and as she has a weight/fitness goal to achieve in a short timescale, we’ll be comparing notes.
As always, you only get out what you put in – what I want to achieve by joining the gym is the pleasure of feeling fit, the joy of being more in touch with my body, the sense of achievement which I know will come quickly and overall, the fact that at 50 I’m closing more doors in one year than I’ve ever done in my life by addressing my comfort zones.
I’ve got another big growth question here and I need your help again dear readers.
If we accept that we are all that is and we can not perceive something we haven’t projected, then that means that whatever we see has to come from within and it’s up to us to clear up in ourselves that which we are finding happening to us on the outside … yes?
Ok, I’ve got that bit. And I also got this bit:
We often attract people to us who are displaying something we still have to clear, or who are exhibiting behaviour/characteristics etc that we have already cleared.
Then, there’s the next bit, which I pretty much get too:
What about if you are intuitive, and can sense what another person is feeling/being – my guess is that we still have to look inside as that’s what all the Kahunas did. And only when they’d cleared their own issue in that area, even though they didn’t realise they had it, could the client then move on.
So, my dilemma at the moment is that I’m feeling like I’m picking up a person ‘hiding part of themselves’ in my life and only when I expressed that I felt I was having to hide part of me, did I realise that I wasn’t actually doing so, I was being open and honest and it was being met with resistance.
If that’s the truth, and in the past I have hidden my full truth, what does that then mean about my current situation? Does it mean that because I recognise the issue and have cleared it in myself, that I am now the teacher and not the student?
I learned that one of the best indicators was that our emotional response is the key indicator to whether you’ve cleared an issue or not. What I’ve found today, is that when I expressed what I felt must be my problem (perception/projection rule) , I suddenly got the feeling of ‘No, this isn’t yours, it’s theirs’.
How do you deal with situations like this?