Jackie Walker

Creating a learning space for me, for you and for them

Posts Tagged ‘anger

Off Piste or Piste Off?

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I don’t know if you ski or not? I don’t anymore after a rather dramatic exit from the ski slopes in the year dot when I took out 3 ligaments in my right knee and although they were replaced twice in one year, that kind of piste is not one I venture onto any longer!

But even if you don’t ski, you’re sure to be able to bring up images of fresh snow and have feelings of total pleasure at being the first to cut a path across the virgin landscape knowing that you’re marking the ground with your own footsteps, going where no man has gone before.

Or perhaps you’d be like my daughters who hate anyone to spoil the fresh snow, they want to preserve it for posterity, or at least until it melts.  They like the pristine, the unclaimed, the unsullied.

What I wanted to talk about was how may clients I get who have suddenly realised that they’ve been busy making sure that they are doing the right thing by everyone else, that they’ve done very little for themselves.

In essence they’ve stayed on piste all their lives, doing what they need to do to keep everyone else happy, making sure that they follow the footsteps laid out, they don’t make any new marks.  The trouble with this is that eventually they get piste off and begin to feel like a common dogsbody, a door mat and they start to get angry.

A little problem here because they don’t know how to express themselves and they don’t know what will happen if they stop being ‘nice’.  Yes that’s what they’re scared of that some folk will not think that they’re nice.  They’re scared of being disliked if they stop doing everything for everybody.  So, they continue to be nice, they continue to let others take advantage of their ‘gentle giving’ nature and inside they are getting frustrated, piste off and their heart is no longer in their giving.

I read this somewhere but I can’t find it to quote it properly, so this was the essence –

‘I’d rather be disliked for being me than liked for being someone else’

If you were really you and could be absolutely guaranteed that you would be liked for yourself and not the person you think you ‘should’ be, who would you be?  What would you stop or start?

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Written by Jackie Walker

July 9, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Down down deeper and down! #215800

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I loved Status Quo but I don’t think I very often thought about the words I was singing along to.  Often we don’t, especially if it’s an upbeat tune … we’re more likely to listen and remember words to love songs, or sad songs as we’re drawn to them to help find meaning in our own worlds.  When we’re happy and upbeat we tend not to look inside, or even outside, for meaning but just accept the feelings of fun, peace, happiness – however you like to feel.

This last week, at the start of the 215800 challenge, I began to have old issues come up to the surface – was this the yoga, the meditation or was it just a repeat pattern?  A seven year old pattern I thought I’d dealt with and put to bed to be precise.  Or was this the time to go even deeper?

None of the changes and doors which I’ve shut this year have been about my family life.  To date they’ve addressed – career, self belief, finances, training, knowledge, health, friends and trust – all needing a depth charger.  I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that family would be added into the mix at some point.

After 4 days of handling the first issue, insult was added to injury – or perhaps more likely, because I didn’t handle the first blip well, I was given an even bigger issue on top of the first in the same context.   It was only when this happened that I began to realise that it wasn’t a repeat pattern, it was a depth charged door shutting exercise.

Going Down

How did it go so wrong?  After all, I’m an experienced and able therapist and tend to my own needs on a very regular basis.  I’m also a human being with human failings, human needs and human learnings.  I say this often in my blogs.  Anyone who believes they are above and beyond the realms of being tested or willing to work on themselves and able to go deeper will stop evolving and learning.

I found myself angry, very angry.  I thought I was being dis-respected, controlled, belittled, judged and excluded.  That’s quite a list!  I was in conflict with myself too.  I knew I knew better than to react and after doing some work around this, found that I was responding calmly and rationally.  I was actually very proud of how I was handling the situation.

That was until the second one came along and really took the wind out of my sails!  Ok, I thought, this is now a bit bigger and requires a different approach.  I reached out to a friend for some help and asked what I was missing.  I knew it was me that needed to change my approach, but what I couldn’t see was the lesson and without the lesson, I couldn’t change.  Is that just me, or do others find that the lesson has to be learned first?

Getting Deeper

I started to ask myself ‘What’s the worst that could happen’? and then ‘What’s the best that could happen’?  When you truly can’t answer the first question, you know you’ve got the result you need, or you haven’t really got a problem!

I began with, ‘I’ll be treated like this for the rest of my life, or at least for the next 4 years’.  When I realised we’d already made it through 7 years, 4 years was quite easy!

I then asked if that was actually true.  Had it been 7 years of this, or just specific times in the 7 years?  Was it really so awful?  Was I making some of it up? Was I perpetuating my myth?

That meant I could then start to concentrate on how I could make a difference to helping the best to come to fruition.

Did it really matter what I thought about this person’s attitude?   Could I create more flexibility?  Could I look at this as their reaction to something and not take it personally?  How could I disengage and let go while continuing to care and be available?  How easy would it be for me to feel at peace and for what reason was I not letting it happen?

Lifting, Lifting

I made the choice to disengage and be at peace within myself.  To test I’d made the right choice, I was presented with a phone call yesterday with a friend who isn’t into self development and there’s always a good chance that my way is not his!

It sure wasn’t and as I found myself listening to his solutions to my problem – fight fight fight.  I could feel myself shaking my head, my stomach was giving little cramping signs, and I was silently saying ‘No, no.  That doesn’t fit with me and my way’.  After then being criticised for being a therapist and not handling my problems, I knew for sure that the chosen solution for my peace was absolutely the right one.  I smiled and said thank you.  I reminded myself that as a mediator I had just been given yet another wonderful lesson to use and practice.

All conflict is internal.  Whether we are facing world, community, work, school, or relationship conflict – we must first look at the conflict we have within.  When we are able to find what we really want instead of conflict, we are then able to work towards that.

I’m blessed to be able to mediate with my own inner conflicts, this one took very little time once I realised what I was dealing with.  Bang, another door is shut!

Written by Jackie Walker

June 13, 2010 at 6:06 pm