Posts Tagged ‘feel the fear’
As I lay in bed last night listening to the wind in the trees, the leaves doing a frenzied dance with epic stamina (they’d been at it for a few days), I stopped thinking. I stop thinking regularly, some folk call it meditation. I used to believe that meditation had to have a purpose and that it was difficult to do because I’m not great at relaxing, but the more I’ve stopped thinking, the easier it gets to define what works for me. If it’s meditation, great, if it’s just no thought, great!
I need that time just to let go, to stop things becoming overwhelming. It doesn’t of course mean that the situation changes while I’m not thinking about it, or does it?
Situations are just that, they aren’t the things which create the stress and fear in our lives. It’s our feelings, our thoughts, our emotions which are all tied up in what we understand the situation to be saying to us. The experience we then have is our story around the problem.
While I lie in a place of ‘no thought’, I’m suspended. Time too is suspended. The situation is still going on, but it doesn’t bother me in a place of ‘no thought’.
One day I got to realising after clocking up so many no-thought airmiles, that actually I didn’t need to go there in order to be there. I could just be there all the time.
If I can suspend time and a situation by not thinking about it when I chose to deliberately, then that was also an option while I went about the rest of my daily chores and life. Imagine how wonderful that is!
Now this could get irresponsible because although you can suspend time and problems from your thoughts, there are things which you might have to change to accommodate the issue and that there are things for which you are responsible and you must take action.
You need to know what it is you want to achieve, what outcome you are looking at. You need a focus and a goal – one which you know is determined by you and is not reliant on others. This might even be as simple as ‘I want to feel happy, or at peace’. So the difference lies by taking stock of what you can do, and doing it.
When you know that you’ve taken the steps required by you, and some of them might be massive pieces of action, you have done what you can. The action required isn’t always done in one fell swoop, but starting doing one thing at a time will make a difference.
Continually ruminating and cogitating over what has happened, where you are and how unfair it all is will hold you stuck. The no-thought helps to stop that process and gives you the added oomph to start taking the steps which will pull you through.
Having someone to help you move beyond what appears to be the problem and help you get to no-thought is the first step you might consider.
Have you ever noticed that things which for others are apparently innocuous can be huge for you?
This week I’ve been persuaded to join a gym. There’s a lot written about people who join gyms and then stop after the first burst of enthusiasm – a bit like folk who take up tennis when Wimbledon’s on, or folk who make New Year’s resolutions which last all of a week or for some maybe a month.
I tend not to do things which I’m not committed to, so it was a great surprise to me yesterday when I found that I’d actually agreed to join the gym.
Bizarrely, I like being fit and I like to do a lot of walking. The thought of displaying myself and my ineptitude in front of other people is something I balk at. The really uncomfortable bit for me though is being seen in tight clothing. I’ve got my baggy t-shirts looked out to avoid such an eventuality. The swimming pool might have to wait a bit longer until I’ve summonsed up the courage to step out with my head held high.
All of this stems from being a very overweight (13 stone) and unfit teenager with a pair of boobs which were oggled at thanks to the fact that I could put Dolly Parton to shame. Surgery at the age of 18 put paid to the physical aspect of the horror as my mountains were made into molehills, however it’s amazing how long the emotional and mental trauma can last. Given what I do, I’ve worked on most of these issues in the past and as I’ve said before … we have to clear things at all levels – spiritual, mental, emotional and physical before we are truly free of whatever was holding us back.
I’m well aware that 2010 is my year of clearing the physical and joining the gym is one huge leap towards owning my body and being happy with myself in it.
Something which crops up a lot is other folk’s attitudes – because of the work I do and the size I am – a petite 6-8, people automatically assume that I should be comfy in my own skin. There are raised eyebrows, sharp intakes of breath and almost a ‘how dare you attitude’, particularly from women.
So tomorrow lunchtime will see me at the gym for an induction session. I’ve asked for help from my good mate Garth Delikan, The Lifestyle Guy to give me a programme which won’t kill me in the first week. My friend and business partner will be encouraging me, and as she has a weight/fitness goal to achieve in a short timescale, we’ll be comparing notes.
As always, you only get out what you put in – what I want to achieve by joining the gym is the pleasure of feeling fit, the joy of being more in touch with my body, the sense of achievement which I know will come quickly and overall, the fact that at 50 I’m closing more doors in one year than I’ve ever done in my life by addressing my comfort zones.