Jackie Walker

Creating a learning space for me, for you and for them

Posts Tagged ‘grateful

Caution: It’s Receiving Time!

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There’s a saying which goes ‘be careful what you wish for as you may get it’.  It’s true!  In Hawaii, the shamanic way of life called Huna has one of my favourite phrases, and I’m sure I’ve quoted it here before –

Where your attention goes, energy flows

That’s why when you keep focussing on what you don’t want, you get it.  It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.  The word ‘not’ is ignored by the unconscious mind.  The unconscious mind is the driver behind everything that arrives in your life … not your conscious mind, and not always your actions.  Although obviously we need to take action it should be towards what we want as opposed to away from what we don’t.  There are learning stages, and we soon get used to it, though can be forgetful at times!

I’m just reminding myself at the moment to be open to receiving what I’m looking for.  I started a practice at the beginning of the year with Jamie Ridler’s Full Moon Dreamboards after I heard my good friend Amy Palko wax lyrically about them.  I find the creative side of them a bit tricky, but today (which is full moon day) I was directed to Mosaic Maker where I downloaded a wonderful tool which helped me through the process.  If I’d had more time, I’m sure I could have played with the pictures a bit, cropping and creating on Picnik to make it even more meaningful, but for my first attempt I’m really pleased.

It’s in the shape of an ‘R’ to denote Receiving.  I wanted a reminder to myself to open my arms, my heart and keep my focus on what I want from and in life.  The images mean things to me, and may not mean the same to you – that’s why images work so well – they bypass the conscious thought and create and store meaning and feeling which helps create what you are looking for.

Although you can’t see them I know for example that these are also in the collage somewhere hidden by some of the other photos –

Look at the way water just falls with no fear, it just keeps flowing.  How that great big bear can give such wonderful warm hugs.  How those dancers perform with such grace and dedication.  The love from the angel is inspiring me to give more.  Two big splashes have got to be better than one!  A shoe made of money … reminds me of cobblers’ children and I must look after me and mine first.  And lastly, who could deny the sunshine the positive glowing golden effects it gives us, nurturing and nourishing our very existence.  Butterflies, remind us how transient it all is and why we must make hay while the sun shines 😉

I’m open to receiving what I’ve asked for and am aiming for with open arms, expecting magic sparkles to be created and jump from my own hands!  Nunca Mas is Spanish for never again and that’s a sharp stick which I popped in there just in case!!

Written by Jackie Walker

July 26, 2010 at 12:39 pm

At the End of the Phone

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Without clients my life just isn’t complete.  I shine when I see people move on from their fears, their pain, their acceptance of letting go.  I feel them changing at the other end of the telephone line.  Their voices lower, their shoulders relax.

Sometimes all it takes is one or two words, sometimes it takes longer.  More often than not, just being at the end of the phone for encouragement, support and validation of a client’s feelings is the first step to them being able to move on with the rest of their life.

I want to share this email, and I have permission from the writer to do so.  I’ve been moved to tears by her words.  Please enjoy them and understand my work too.

Last week, a situation between me, and let’s say “significant other” whom I had been involved in a “relationship” of kinds with in my life reached breaking point. Our relationship terminated forever.  Neither one of us can go back to where we were.

For three days I had not been able to stem the tears, the hurt and pain weeping out of every pore, the mind going over every conversation, every event, over and over like a mad person just possessed by the pain, reliving every beautiful moment but unable to comprehend why or how it suddenly, and literally overnight, turned into the ugliest and most painful experience.

I don’t reach out on personal matters. Its something my hard exterior will not allow. If I let someone inside the brick wall that surrounds me, they will hurt me…..past experience tells me this…and now I have learnt that when you allow people inside, where you heart is raw and hurting, there is quite simply the capacity for someone to wound it further.

I am an armadillo. What the world sees is the tough shell.

If there was a chance of making the relationship better I would have leapt in a heart beat to it. Like the word fatal after a car crash, this relationship had ended fatally too. In my heart I knew the separation was ultimately the absolute best thing in many many ways, the pain was still crippling. I could not see a way forward, and despite my life being almost hideously fortuitous in every other way, this person absence from my life was soul destroying.

Through these days, one person was popping in and out of my conscious mind. My twitter contact Jackie Walker. Her location “at the end of the phone” was propelling me to call her. I was not sure why.

The universe I guess was at play. We meet people after all, for a reason, season or lifetime…..and there is no such thing as a chance meeting.

From the moment the phone rang, and I started to talk, the tears started to spill, I was almost hyperventilating as I cried, unable to breathe, the hurt inside as I spoke, tearing me apart and just hearing someone’s calm and rational voice, that cared, someone who just let me talk, who understood the pain, who asked the right questions, who gently probed was enough….….until an hour and a half later not only could I actually breathe again but the heavy black cloud that has engulfed me for the past 72 hours had started to part allowing rays of sunshine to pour into my heart and start to just melt the ice that had surrounded my insides and stopped my lungs from functioning. As Jackie probed and questioned the answers that I was searching for, that perhaps I knew already deep inside, started to talk to my logical brain. As I rubbished the way I felt, embarrassed to say the words “I loved this person, I care, and I feel hurt and angry” Jackie gave me utter permission to not only feel this way, but to almost celebrate allowing the emotion to come out.

It was an exhausting call, I had totally purged my emotion in a way that society tells me is simply not appropriate to do. My instant trust in jackie reassured me it was OK.  Jackie left me with some amazing meditations to cut the emotional ties that were holding me down and to just cut myself and focus on all the wonderful things that remain in my life, which are actually the most wondrous and precious things of all.

The next few hours and days became easier to cope with the feelings, and several days later I can now reflect on this call.

Jackie is a mediator. Her passion and dedication is to mediate Ugly situations. I could not ask for mediation as my situation was long past that but, I know with Jackie’s help, my situation would not have ended the way it had if we had tried to resolve it with her help.  I’ve never really understood the role of a mediator to facilitate improving a relationship, but I realize now, with no uncertainty at all, that someone with the gifts that Jackie has, can truly truly help.

I didn’t really know Jackie until that call. However the person at “the end of the phone” allowed me to share how I feel, she gently guided me through all the hurt probing me for answers and solutions and ways forward….and it was so natural it was like talking to my best friend, it wasn’t embarrassing or awkward and in such a relatively short time I could see the answers and solutions needed to actually move forward. My life had literally been suspended in mid air for 3 days, I would still be there now if it was not for the support from Jackie.

I absolutely would not hesitate in recommending Jackie to help others, especially people struggling within a relationship and preferably before its too late. I think perhaps we all hold onto so much pain inside, that if left trapped not only does in not allow you to move forward but the ugliness of the situation will always stay within you locked in the “here and now”.  Jackie is someone you can open up to who will guide you through and out the other side.

Written by Jackie Walker

July 6, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Hitting the spot between the eyes! #215800

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I’m deliriously happy today, yes really.  All the trouble that surrounded me last week has gone, well at least it feels that way.

I had a conversation which would have been impossible  only a week ago.  I felt calm, centred and grounded.  I came from a place of willingness. At the other end of the phone, there was a tight voice, and as the conversation developed, it relaxed, became gentler, and the words flowed.  There was space, on the line, for creating peace.

Hitting The Spot

I got to wondering about the times in our lives when nothing hits the spot.  D’you find that you become disenchanted and bored with the contents of your fridge.  The food you’ve been eating which once fulfilled you, is now boring.  You yearn for something else, something to get your teeth into, to excite the taste buds and maybe even test your culinary skills.

I wondered then if perhaps we get bored with some of the interactions we’ve had with others and whether that affects us similarly.  I know that this particular relationship is one which is too often trying, it’s monotonous in its predictability.  It was time for something new.  It just took a new recipe, and maybe  a new shopping list of skills.

Peace … Again

Whatever it took, I’m going with the ease of today, and not resting on my laurels that it will continue unaided, it needs to be tended and nurtured.  There’s much pain to undo, there’s a whole new relationship to be built, it might or might not be possible.  My dearest hope and wish is that it doesn’t go back to the monotony of bitterness.  If it were all up to me, I could guarantee it.

This is the challenge I have.  If I’ve learned my lesson, the previous troubles should now fall away.  What if the other person has lessons to learn which makes it continue?  Or is it really going to be true that it won’t bother me anymore, it will be water off a duck’s back and that alone is what will create the peace?  Ah, yes I think that’s it.

It’s hit the spot between the eyes, the third eye!  I see it all clearly now.

Wow, this is even better than I thought at the beginning of the post and it’s nowhere near 800 words, but I’m done for today – my creation was in my conversation, live outloud writing!

Written by Jackie Walker

June 18, 2010 at 6:02 pm

The Man Through The Window #215800

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I was reading through loads of the other 215800 blogs and while doing so, burned my oven chips – I know, I don’t usually eat them, but the cupboard is bare today and so’s my tummy after burning the chips!  As I sat eating my chicken, salad and remaining chips, it came to me.  There’d been a man in my room last night.  He came through the window.

Oh and before I go any further – the update to the fitness side of this blog that I also promised to keep up –  I’ve kept up my gym attendance as promised – 3 times last week, and today I was there again.  The cardio stuff is getting easier and the wee lights on the cross trainer don’t scream ‘Heart attack ready to happen’ until I’m well ready to get off, and not before any more!  I see that as progress and am feeling very proud that I’m even still going.  I’m not yet enjoying it, but I’m becoming better, maybe that’ll lead to enjoyment!

Consistency is the word that I was given today and I can honestly say that consistency is proving to be so worthwhile – it’s giving me some time off this week too – what a great task master!

But now I want to explore this man.  I do my savasana in bed, maybe I shouldn’t but last thing at night, I don’t want to fall asleep on the floor and wake up hours later to climb into bed, so I combine the two!

At some point in the middle of the night I remember a man coming through my curtains and sitting on my bed.  I remember being pleased to see him.  He was well dressed, good looking, dark hair, well spoken and it seemed perfectly normal that he came through the window unannounced.  We spent ages chatting, I’ve no idea about what.  Then he left, the way he’d come in.

I don’t even remember wondering who he was, he just was, who he was.

Some time later he came back, wearing different clothes as I recall.  This time I wasn’t in bed, but I was in the room, it wasn’t me now, but me then, and that’s not past it’s to come.  It wasn’t my room as it is now, it’s as it will be.  Again, I have no idea what we talked about but I know he helped me with some advice and then he was gone.  He was a busy guy and made a deliberate effort to come and spend time with me.  I felt very cherished.

Patently I needed a lot of help last night, he was back for a third visit!  This time it was a very different meeting.  Much more intimate, much more affection, closeness and there was a depth and meaning to our relationship.  He was laughing as he came back through the window.  Light hearted, warm, funny and very welcome.  I noticed the change and I remember asking him about it, he reassured me.  I raised my eyebrows and felt myself relax and be at ease.  All was well – he said so.

How could I have forgotten this wonderful presence until now?  I think I might have to have an early night 😉

Written by Jackie Walker

June 14, 2010 at 9:42 pm

Day 2 – Fitness or Scenery

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No pain (ok just a few twinges in my abs) after my first day in the gym – which possibly means I didn’t do enough!

I considered going back to the gym and pushing myself just a bit further, but it was such a lovely day and I really fancied a decent walk in the fresh air.  I live at the very edge of the Pentlands and can walk up into the hills from my house.   So at lunch time, I headed out of the door and up the hill behind the house.  It was beautiful and the walk I’d intended being for 30 minutes turned into an hour and a half!  It wasn’t a hill walk per se, but it did include a long and steady upward climb which satisifed the cardio element I so need to get on top of!

There’s nothing like nature and fresh air to give you a new lease of life and energise you.  I didn’t take my camera as I was going for exercise not to enjoy the scenery.  I kicked myself for being so black and white about it!  It’s perfectly possible to do both isn’t it!

Amongst the gorse bushes were sheep, many of whom were attempting to shed their thick woolly fleeces to get escape the heat of the sun.  It’s so easy for us to just slip layers on and off, my fleece was tied round my waist!  Bits of fleece hung on the gorse like dull tinsel, but for the most part, the sheep were looking hot and bedraggled as their fleeces were coming away in clumps.  Must be shearing time soon.

Walking back home via Poet’s Glen was a joy.  Dropping down through the woods, and back along the Water of Leith, it felt very Dingley Dell like!  I used to do walks like this every day – when I had a dog.

As it’s already Day 3 (I forgot to post yesterday), my plan is to get my bicycle out and go for a wee cycle in the Borders when I pop down to visit my Mother. And yes, I will take my camera with me.

Written by Jackie Walker

June 5, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Cherokee Legend – which wolf do you feed?

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This story says it all, you get the results you focus on … enjoy …

“The Wolves Within”

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, “Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.” He continued, “It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

Which wolf will you feed?

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.”

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked, “Which one wins, Grandfather?”

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, “The one I feed.”

Written by Jackie Walker

July 26, 2009 at 2:12 pm

Pushing Against the Universe

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When the Universe doesn’t want you to do something because it isn’t in your best interests, you’d better listen up.  It will give you plenty of opportunity to get the message and you would do well to respect it.

Following hot on the heels of the What If You Knew What You Don’t Know, I want to quickly share this as it is so pertinent.

You don’t need to know why at this stage, all you have to do is say OK thanks for letting me know!

pushing agains the universe

My sister got on her motorbike this morning to go and do a day’s contract work driving for a builder’s merchant.  On the 20 mile journey to the depot, she broke down 3 times.  The last time she thought hmmm, better call out the AA.  Meantime she phoned the agency, got the consultant out of bed (it was only 6.45am) and apologised that she wouldn’t be able to get to the job.  A smiley AA chap arrived and found her sheltering from the torrential downpour under a large oak tree.

After only 10 minutes the engine started and neither the mechanic nor my sister knew what they’d done to allow it to happen.  They could find no fault and therefore no logical answer.   Not wanting to take any chances, she asked the AA man to follow her 5 miles to the bike garage where she was going to ask them to run the computer over the bike to ascertain the cause of the three stoppages.  The bike drove like a dream and was patently pleased with itself!

At the garage after extensive searching the mechanics still couldn’t find out what had happened.  The computer showed no trace of faults and didn’t even register the three breakdowns earlier in the morning.  Feeling by this time happy that she had taken all precautions, my sister went to the depot to apologise and explain her absence.

When she got there she was welcomed, ushered into a truck and told to get on with it anyway.  She was feeling a bit pressured, the truck was like a dogs breakfast inside and she was pushed out of the yard.

After the first drop of brieze blocks, she headed off to the next port of call.   Slowing down and almost coming to a stop at a red temporary traffic light, it turned green and she accelerated again.  Having got up to about 15mph, she drove on under a bridge.   The next thing she knew, her cab was 10 feet in the air and the front of the truck was in front of her nose.

Yes, the crane on the back of the truck had met with the bridge.  There were no cars behind her, no people close by and nothing else was involved.  Luckily she wasn’t harmed.

The extra strange piece of this story is that the company who are contracted by the builder’s merchants to do their deliveries had cancelled providing their services across the country for today.  Her shift was never meant to happen.  She wasn’t told this when she turned up to apologise for her tardiness.  She wasn’t told it by her agency.

It later transpires that a regular on this beat had a very similar accident only three weeks previously and it transpires that the builder’s merchants have played with the warning system in the lorry cabs.

easy life

My sister could easily have died today … she didn’t.   I believe the Universe and the Angels have been looking out for her all day.  Next time it feels difficult to do something, just don’t do it and you’ll either find the reason why in due course, or you’ll find an easier and better way.

Written by Jackie Walker

July 24, 2009 at 4:43 pm