Posts Tagged ‘love’
I don’t know if you ski or not? I don’t anymore after a rather dramatic exit from the ski slopes in the year dot when I took out 3 ligaments in my right knee and although they were replaced twice in one year, that kind of piste is not one I venture onto any longer!
But even if you don’t ski, you’re sure to be able to bring up images of fresh snow and have feelings of total pleasure at being the first to cut a path across the virgin landscape knowing that you’re marking the ground with your own footsteps, going where no man has gone before.
Or perhaps you’d be like my daughters who hate anyone to spoil the fresh snow, they want to preserve it for posterity, or at least until it melts. They like the pristine, the unclaimed, the unsullied.
What I wanted to talk about was how may clients I get who have suddenly realised that they’ve been busy making sure that they are doing the right thing by everyone else, that they’ve done very little for themselves.
In essence they’ve stayed on piste all their lives, doing what they need to do to keep everyone else happy, making sure that they follow the footsteps laid out, they don’t make any new marks. The trouble with this is that eventually they get piste off and begin to feel like a common dogsbody, a door mat and they start to get angry.
A little problem here because they don’t know how to express themselves and they don’t know what will happen if they stop being ‘nice’. Yes that’s what they’re scared of that some folk will not think that they’re nice. They’re scared of being disliked if they stop doing everything for everybody. So, they continue to be nice, they continue to let others take advantage of their ‘gentle giving’ nature and inside they are getting frustrated, piste off and their heart is no longer in their giving.
I read this somewhere but I can’t find it to quote it properly, so this was the essence –
‘I’d rather be disliked for being me than liked for being someone else’
If you were really you and could be absolutely guaranteed that you would be liked for yourself and not the person you think you ‘should’ be, who would you be? What would you stop or start?
Without clients my life just isn’t complete. I shine when I see people move on from their fears, their pain, their acceptance of letting go. I feel them changing at the other end of the telephone line. Their voices lower, their shoulders relax.
Sometimes all it takes is one or two words, sometimes it takes longer. More often than not, just being at the end of the phone for encouragement, support and validation of a client’s feelings is the first step to them being able to move on with the rest of their life.
I want to share this email, and I have permission from the writer to do so. I’ve been moved to tears by her words. Please enjoy them and understand my work too.
Last week, a situation between me, and let’s say “significant other” whom I had been involved in a “relationship” of kinds with in my life reached breaking point. Our relationship terminated forever. Neither one of us can go back to where we were.
For three days I had not been able to stem the tears, the hurt and pain weeping out of every pore, the mind going over every conversation, every event, over and over like a mad person just possessed by the pain, reliving every beautiful moment but unable to comprehend why or how it suddenly, and literally overnight, turned into the ugliest and most painful experience.
I don’t reach out on personal matters. Its something my hard exterior will not allow. If I let someone inside the brick wall that surrounds me, they will hurt me…..past experience tells me this…and now I have learnt that when you allow people inside, where you heart is raw and hurting, there is quite simply the capacity for someone to wound it further.
I am an armadillo. What the world sees is the tough shell.
If there was a chance of making the relationship better I would have leapt in a heart beat to it. Like the word fatal after a car crash, this relationship had ended fatally too. In my heart I knew the separation was ultimately the absolute best thing in many many ways, the pain was still crippling. I could not see a way forward, and despite my life being almost hideously fortuitous in every other way, this person absence from my life was soul destroying.
Through these days, one person was popping in and out of my conscious mind. My twitter contact Jackie Walker. Her location “at the end of the phone” was propelling me to call her. I was not sure why.
The universe I guess was at play. We meet people after all, for a reason, season or lifetime…..and there is no such thing as a chance meeting.
From the moment the phone rang, and I started to talk, the tears started to spill, I was almost hyperventilating as I cried, unable to breathe, the hurt inside as I spoke, tearing me apart and just hearing someone’s calm and rational voice, that cared, someone who just let me talk, who understood the pain, who asked the right questions, who gently probed was enough….….until an hour and a half later not only could I actually breathe again but the heavy black cloud that has engulfed me for the past 72 hours had started to part allowing rays of sunshine to pour into my heart and start to just melt the ice that had surrounded my insides and stopped my lungs from functioning. As Jackie probed and questioned the answers that I was searching for, that perhaps I knew already deep inside, started to talk to my logical brain. As I rubbished the way I felt, embarrassed to say the words “I loved this person, I care, and I feel hurt and angry” Jackie gave me utter permission to not only feel this way, but to almost celebrate allowing the emotion to come out.
It was an exhausting call, I had totally purged my emotion in a way that society tells me is simply not appropriate to do. My instant trust in jackie reassured me it was OK. Jackie left me with some amazing meditations to cut the emotional ties that were holding me down and to just cut myself and focus on all the wonderful things that remain in my life, which are actually the most wondrous and precious things of all.
The next few hours and days became easier to cope with the feelings, and several days later I can now reflect on this call.
Jackie is a mediator. Her passion and dedication is to mediate Ugly situations. I could not ask for mediation as my situation was long past that but, I know with Jackie’s help, my situation would not have ended the way it had if we had tried to resolve it with her help. I’ve never really understood the role of a mediator to facilitate improving a relationship, but I realize now, with no uncertainty at all, that someone with the gifts that Jackie has, can truly truly help.
I didn’t really know Jackie until that call. However the person at “the end of the phone” allowed me to share how I feel, she gently guided me through all the hurt probing me for answers and solutions and ways forward….and it was so natural it was like talking to my best friend, it wasn’t embarrassing or awkward and in such a relatively short time I could see the answers and solutions needed to actually move forward. My life had literally been suspended in mid air for 3 days, I would still be there now if it was not for the support from Jackie.
I absolutely would not hesitate in recommending Jackie to help others, especially people struggling within a relationship and preferably before its too late. I think perhaps we all hold onto so much pain inside, that if left trapped not only does in not allow you to move forward but the ugliness of the situation will always stay within you locked in the “here and now”. Jackie is someone you can open up to who will guide you through and out the other side.
I was reading through loads of the other 215800 blogs and while doing so, burned my oven chips – I know, I don’t usually eat them, but the cupboard is bare today and so’s my tummy after burning the chips! As I sat eating my chicken, salad and remaining chips, it came to me. There’d been a man in my room last night. He came through the window.
Oh and before I go any further – the update to the fitness side of this blog that I also promised to keep up – I’ve kept up my gym attendance as promised – 3 times last week, and today I was there again. The cardio stuff is getting easier and the wee lights on the cross trainer don’t scream ‘Heart attack ready to happen’ until I’m well ready to get off, and not before any more! I see that as progress and am feeling very proud that I’m even still going. I’m not yet enjoying it, but I’m becoming better, maybe that’ll lead to enjoyment!
Consistency is the word that I was given today and I can honestly say that consistency is proving to be so worthwhile – it’s giving me some time off this week too – what a great task master!
But now I want to explore this man. I do my savasana in bed, maybe I shouldn’t but last thing at night, I don’t want to fall asleep on the floor and wake up hours later to climb into bed, so I combine the two!
At some point in the middle of the night I remember a man coming through my curtains and sitting on my bed. I remember being pleased to see him. He was well dressed, good looking, dark hair, well spoken and it seemed perfectly normal that he came through the window unannounced. We spent ages chatting, I’ve no idea about what. Then he left, the way he’d come in.
I don’t even remember wondering who he was, he just was, who he was.
Some time later he came back, wearing different clothes as I recall. This time I wasn’t in bed, but I was in the room, it wasn’t me now, but me then, and that’s not past it’s to come. It wasn’t my room as it is now, it’s as it will be. Again, I have no idea what we talked about but I know he helped me with some advice and then he was gone. He was a busy guy and made a deliberate effort to come and spend time with me. I felt very cherished.
Patently I needed a lot of help last night, he was back for a third visit! This time it was a very different meeting. Much more intimate, much more affection, closeness and there was a depth and meaning to our relationship. He was laughing as he came back through the window. Light hearted, warm, funny and very welcome. I noticed the change and I remember asking him about it, he reassured me. I raised my eyebrows and felt myself relax and be at ease. All was well – he said so.
How could I have forgotten this wonderful presence until now? I think I might have to have an early night 😉
I wonder how often I’ve shut love off thinking it was something else.
It came as a huge shock that my love was hammering at my chest and I was calling it pride.
Pride can be an ego based emotion which I wasn’t sure about. Love however knows no such delusion.
What if when people say things like ‘I’m not proud of what I’ve done’ they mean I’m not in love with what I’ve done.
What if it’s ok to have pride in what we do, what we achieve and pride in our families. Is that not love.
That’s it no more hiding pride for me – it’s pure love and gratitude.
Oh yes, fools fall in love .. they fall in love because birds sing so gay, and the rain falls from up above 🙂
As sure as eggs is eggs, folk fall in love. I would counter it is the antithesis of the fool who doesn’t let themselves fall in love for fear of being hurt, the fear of being rejected, the fear of not being good enough.
The Tarot Fool, as we have already found out is very much the person who is willing to accept innocence, to stride forward with trust and knowing that all will be fine. When you know that you don’t depend on another to bring you happiness, you too will be able to fall in love.
Fall in love safe in the knowledge that no-one can hurt you, you have more lessons to learn from each person you choose to be with. Surrendering to the wonder and spectacle of on an open heart. No requirement for you to change, strong in knowing who you are.
Then it is easy to fall in love, just like rain falls and birds sing.