Jackie Walker

Creating a learning space for me, for you and for them

Posts Tagged ‘Vulnerability

The Man Through The Window #215800

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I was reading through loads of the other 215800 blogs and while doing so, burned my oven chips – I know, I don’t usually eat them, but the cupboard is bare today and so’s my tummy after burning the chips!  As I sat eating my chicken, salad and remaining chips, it came to me.  There’d been a man in my room last night.  He came through the window.

Oh and before I go any further – the update to the fitness side of this blog that I also promised to keep up –  I’ve kept up my gym attendance as promised – 3 times last week, and today I was there again.  The cardio stuff is getting easier and the wee lights on the cross trainer don’t scream ‘Heart attack ready to happen’ until I’m well ready to get off, and not before any more!  I see that as progress and am feeling very proud that I’m even still going.  I’m not yet enjoying it, but I’m becoming better, maybe that’ll lead to enjoyment!

Consistency is the word that I was given today and I can honestly say that consistency is proving to be so worthwhile – it’s giving me some time off this week too – what a great task master!

But now I want to explore this man.  I do my savasana in bed, maybe I shouldn’t but last thing at night, I don’t want to fall asleep on the floor and wake up hours later to climb into bed, so I combine the two!

At some point in the middle of the night I remember a man coming through my curtains and sitting on my bed.  I remember being pleased to see him.  He was well dressed, good looking, dark hair, well spoken and it seemed perfectly normal that he came through the window unannounced.  We spent ages chatting, I’ve no idea about what.  Then he left, the way he’d come in.

I don’t even remember wondering who he was, he just was, who he was.

Some time later he came back, wearing different clothes as I recall.  This time I wasn’t in bed, but I was in the room, it wasn’t me now, but me then, and that’s not past it’s to come.  It wasn’t my room as it is now, it’s as it will be.  Again, I have no idea what we talked about but I know he helped me with some advice and then he was gone.  He was a busy guy and made a deliberate effort to come and spend time with me.  I felt very cherished.

Patently I needed a lot of help last night, he was back for a third visit!  This time it was a very different meeting.  Much more intimate, much more affection, closeness and there was a depth and meaning to our relationship.  He was laughing as he came back through the window.  Light hearted, warm, funny and very welcome.  I noticed the change and I remember asking him about it, he reassured me.  I raised my eyebrows and felt myself relax and be at ease.  All was well – he said so.

How could I have forgotten this wonderful presence until now?  I think I might have to have an early night 😉


Written by Jackie Walker

June 14, 2010 at 9:42 pm

Growing pains

with 6 comments

I started this blog a month ago to help me explore further those things which still elude me and to give me a place to express how I am growing.  Already it’s shown itself to be a place of vulnerabilty, honesty and truth – things I want to continue to reveal.  Nobody can sit on a pedestal and I want to be very open in what I’m learning, the struggles, the joys and the realisations.

Recently through some challenging times I’ve been ‘given’ some new ideas, ways forward, opportunities – none of which were on the radar a month ago.

I feel my blog needs to create the sense of growth that I’m experiencing – up till now I notice the main word in my cloud is Perseverance.  I’d like for that to be one of the words as it sure as hell is important and yet much more is too.

TarotContemplationsAn area I’ve touched but not delved deeply into is the Tarot and my intention (please note intention!) is to start exploring the Major Arcana, one card at a time until I feel I’ve got some real understanding.  I would like to invite anyone and everyone to come and join me in what I believe might be a rather different exploration.

I’ll be looking at the Tarot from the perspective of relationships, and obviously it will all be part of my own journey.  I’m looking for criticism and feedback, opinions, clarity and help – and I’m also trusting what I find will be inspiration for others.

I’m already very curious about what I’m going to find out and it takes me all my time to pace myself.  As a person, I’m naturally very spontaneous and quick – I’m changing that today.  I intend to take as much time as is needed to pay attention to what is coming through.  Some of the cards, I’m aware will be easier and quicker than others, yet I want to pay each and everyone the same attention.

I want to draw help from fairytales, metaphors, nursery rhymes, songs and nature – all the things which surround me and try to tell me what I’m missing.  On Friday this week, I’m meeting up with Amy Palko who is helping me to drill down from only photographing the big picture and teaching me how to take photos macro style.

This is your invitation to join in and see what you see, feel what you feel and know what you know with each and every step … subscribe now by email or reader and join the party!

Written by Jackie Walker

August 10, 2009 at 8:52 pm

Humpty Dumpty

with one comment

Humpty_Dumpty_1_-_WW_Denslow_-_Project_Gutenberg_etext_18546Most people when they hear that someone’s fallen to pieces are full of pity.  Some folks don’t want pity.  They want understanding that it’s sore, that it’s maybe not so good, and yet they sure as hell don’t want pity.

So often it’s the fear of being looked upon as a sad case that people bottle up their hurts or fears.

What was old Humpty doing on the wall in the first place – he doesn’t have a flat base and anyone with half a brain could tell that he’d fall off with the vibration of the horses riding past.  Maybe he just wanted to live a bit out on the edge and see more than his safe existence normally afforded him.

Have you ever done that?  I have … usually with similar results to Humpty.  I’ve smashed my face, taken out ligaments in my knee, squished vertebrae in my back,  ended up bikini-less in a waterpark and split my head open.

There’s adventure and there’s caution.  A mix of the two is usually quite useful!

Not recognising that I was putting myself in danger due to lack of training, lack of safety equipment and too much of a gung-ho attitude led me into potentially disastrous situations.  Patently however I have guardian angels who look over me and have decided that I wasn’t ready to go yet.  Please however do not try these things just to test my theory.

Emotional hurt isn’t so different – the only thing is that the wound can’t be seen – either by you or an observer.  A broken heart may appear to have healed but in fact is encased within a steel shell.  It’s the accepted way of coping with emotional melt down.  Talking about it to friends can get you sympathy up to a point, then they get tired of it.

Not knowing how to show your vulnerability and broken bits for fear of ridicule, shame and pity means that so often it’s packed up and the muscle doesn’t get the required physiotherapy for strengthening it back to full working order.

This can change when you have the chance to get rid of the story.  It’s not what happened then which is the issue, it’s what you are afraid of now in case it happens again.  If it were Humpty, he might acknowledge that he was bored and frustrated by his eggsistence.

For a broken heart, it might mean tuning into the reason you put yourself into the situation in the first place – that’s what you need to find out, not the consequences.

Written by Jackie Walker

July 13, 2009 at 10:20 pm